Woman Speak
by Auriansmule
Summary: Harry and Ron find something Sirius left behind! Rated T for language


Harry was just lounging on the couch in his living room when Ron came crashing down the stairs.

"Oi! Harry mate!" Ron cried. "Check this out!" He thrust a small pamphlet in Harry's face.

Harry's eyes widdened. "A _pamphlet_ Ron?" He asked incredulously.

Ron rolled his eyes. "Just open it!" Harry sighed miserably and complied.

**Woman Speak**

_By Sirius Black_

Harry's eyes widened. "Sirius wrote this?!"

"Yeah!" Ron said enthusiastically. "I didn't know either!"

_Finally! Here is a guide to what a woman really means when she says shit like "Fine" and "Nothing"._

_Keywords and their meanings:_

_"__**Fine**__": This word is used at the end of any argument that the woman feels_

_she is right about but needs to shut you up. NEVER use fine to describe_

_how a woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments._

_"__**Five minutes**__": If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. However,_

_if you are watching a football game... it means five minutes._

_"__**Nothing**__": This means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing"_

_is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you_

_inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an_

_argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine"._

_"__**Go Ahead**__" (__**raised eyebrows**__): This is a dare. One that will result in a_

_woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine"._

_"__**Go Ahead**__" (__**normal eyebrows**__): This means "I give up" or "do what you want_

_because I don't care". You will get a raised eyebrow "Go ahead" in just a_

_few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in_

_about "Five Minutes" when she cools off._

_**Loud Sigh**__: This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal_

_statement very misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you_

_are an idiot at that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time_

_standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing"._

_**Soft Sigh**__: Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" are_

_one of the few things that some men actually understand. She is content._

_Your best bet is to not move or breathe and she will stay content._

_"__**Oh**__": This word followed by any statement is trouble. Example; "Oh, let_

_me get that". Or, "Oh, I talked to him about what you were doing last_

_night." If she says "Oh" before a statement, RUN, do NOT walk, to the_

_nearest exit. She will tell you that she is "Fine" when she is done_

_tossing your clothes out the window, but do not expect her to talk to_

_you for at least 2 days. "Oh" as the lead to a sentence usually signifies_

_that you are caught in a lie. Do not try to lie more to get out of it, or you _

_will get raised eyebrows "Go ahead" followed by acts so unspeakable that _

_we can't bring ourselves to write about them._

_"__**That's Okay**__": This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman_

_can say to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and_

_hard before paying you retributions for what ever it is that you have_

_done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and used in_

_conjunction with a raised eyebrow "Go ahead". At some point in the near_

_future when she has plotted and planned, you are going to be in some_

_mighty big trouble._

_"__**Please Do**__": This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving_

_you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for_

_doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance to tell_

_the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay"._

_"__**Thanks**__": A woman is thanking you. Do not faint; just say you're welcome._

_"__**Thanks a lot**__": This is much different from "Thanks". A woman will say,_

_"Thanks a lot" when she is really ticked off at you, she is being sarcastic__. It _

___signifies that __you have hurt her in some callous way, and will be followed by _

_____the "Loud __Sigh". Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh", _

_______as she __will only tell you "Nothing"._

_"__**Whatever**__": This is a woman's version of saying: "F*ck you!"_

_I hope this clears up any misunderstandings..._

_But I bet it doesn't!_

Harry and Ron sat in silence.

"Where was this shit when I was married?!"


End file.
